in the past, i've sworn up and down that i would never let my blog get "too personal". maybe it's because i know that both my sister-in-law and my cousin-in-law are both readers, and it feels somewhat awkward to let myself completely open up... but, either way, it's just seemed weird.
let me preface what i'm about to say with the fact that i'm about 4 (ok, possibly 5, or maybe even 6, or maybe i've actually lost count) glasses of cab deep, and given the "time of the month", feeling a little overly emotional.
i've mentioned before that i'm having an extremely hard time with the fact that i RARELY get to spend quality time with my husband, since he's starting grad school, and a vast )and i mean VAST) majority of his time goes towards all things MBA. it's not that he and i were EVER one of those couples that were glued at the hip and did absolutly everything together... in fact, i'd say we were the exact oppisite. but, we always ate together, and had all those little wonderful moments together: cooking dinner... eating dinner.... cleaning up... venting about our days... curing up on the couch and watching bad tv.
that has more or less gone out the window.
now, more often than not, i come home to an empty house (albeit, one full of VERY hungry kittens), make myself a half-assed dinner (a salad and mashed potatoes do not constitute a meal), and proceed to pour myself one glass of wine after the other until he comes home. on a good day, that's not much before i'm getting ready to go to bed. and- when he does finally make it home, he's generally so overloaded with work that he immediatly sits down and is right back at it.
sometimes i'm REALLY good at dealing with it. i call my mom, or my grandma, or one of my favorite friends... and just babble away the time until i'm ready for some peace and quiet. tonight is one of those times that i was NOT.
i thought things were going well... i shopped a bit after work, had dinner, relaxed, and had a generally pleasant evening. husband came home.... all was well, and i went about cleaning the kitchen. i grabbed my ipod, and decided to listen to music while i cleaned, so i woudln't get "too chatty" and distract him from what he needed to get done. my ipod happened to be set to shuffle and a particular song happened to come on. this particular song, is one that i listen too, and have always listened too, when i've felt down and wanted to remind myself of what i have and who i have and how grateful i am for that... i'll just post a video of it, as i'm not sure just the lyrics will get it right.
after listening to it once through, while elbow deep in a sink full of dirty dishes, i ran over to him, and said... "i want you to listen to this... it's what i listen too when i'm having a terrible day and want to just have a moment with you."... and proceeded to stick my earbuds into his ears.
he listened for about thirty seconds, looked at me like i was on drugs, took out the earbuds and said, "i dodn't get it.". and... immediatly went back to what he was working on.
it broke my heart.
now... i know that i am left-brained to a fault. i can listen to a song... and no matter what i'm doing, if the melody and lyrics are just right, my brain takes over and i will instantly become completley consumed by what ever i am presented with.
i get that not everyone is like that.
but, for some reason, i just couldn't deal with it tonight. if the roles were reveresed, and he had come to me and said, "listen to this... it's what i listen too when i'm having a terrible day and just need to be reminded of you.", my world would have come to a SCREECHING HALT and i would have LISTENED and COMPLETELY OBSORBED what was presented to me.
that is the difference between my husband, the absolute love of my life, and me. i don't hold it agaisnt him- we're just different that way. but sometimes... when i've had, and tried to deal with, a particularly awful day... it just slams into me a little harder than it should.
and... with that, i apoligize for the overly whiney and emotional post.. but, i supposed it has to happen once in awhile, right?
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I absolutely love that song.
ReplyDeleteMy brother is such a dipshit sometimes. And if he ever decides to go get his doctorate, I will help you stab him.
On a more serious note, he's always sucked with the whole "feelings/emotions" thing (sort of...robot?) and maybe just needs a good smack to the head to remind him that this whole school thing is hard on you, too.
(wife > lameass letter grade)
Can't wait to see you Saturday! Tell D that if he dares bring any homework with him, I will douse it in Seagram's and watch it burn. =)
Things will get better. He DOES need to set out some part of the evening to do something with you, though. Anything. (5 minutes each talking about something non work / school related for expample)
ReplyDeleteThe Man and I have decided that when we both get home, we are not allowed to talk about any thing work related. (unless it's a joke we heard from a co-worker or something like that.)
Have you tried talking to him about this? Let him know that yes, you understand that school is important to him, but that you still require a little attention also.
If that doesn't work, I'll help you hide the body! ;)
it is so sweet that you love your husband like that
ReplyDeleteif my husband sits down next to me on the couch i start wondering what he wants :)
hang in there! found you from i'm just jen.
Oh my dear. You have every right to be upset. I would be too if I were in your position. But I agree with the other commenters. I think you need to sit down and discuss this with your hubby and try to come to some sort of deal that both of you can handle so that you get some quality time in there too. While it is important that he work and study hard, it is not so important as to ignore the love of you life over. But men don't generally think about what others might be feeling by their actions. I think they're just wired to work, work, work until they accomplish their goal and until that time they don't think of anything else. I think maybe a heart to heart will help him to see some things he probably honestly hadn't even thought of yet.
ReplyDeleteOHHH - If D brings any homework with him Saturday I'll whoop him myself! I'm sure it will get easier, it's still his first semester and it's winding down, so it's got to be stressful. I was an effing basketcase my first semester of law school but once you kind of get the lay of the land and figure things out it gets easier. Not that that makes it easier for you, but at least you have good taste in music. I LOVE DAVID GRAY. Can't wait to see you crazy kids on Saturday.
ReplyDeleteI have been so out of the loop lately because my computer hasn't been letting me load certain pages. Yours was one of them. But I'm back now and catching up and wish I could give you a hug!
ReplyDeleteMy husband is the same way and it can be so hard to deal with. As much as I like my independence, I still miss him and wish I could be with him more often. But music is his life and I promised myself I would never try to get in the way of his dream. I just didn't realize that being supportive could be so hard.
Hang in there. If you need to, hit him over the head with something hard. Sometimes men need that.